


Pâro

by MYuzuki



Category: Tales of the Abyss
Genre: Angst, Gen, Introspection, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:06:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23562772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MYuzuki/pseuds/MYuzuki
Summary: Pâro: (Noun) the feeling that no matter what you do, it's always somehow wrong.Luke has almost always, one way or another, felt like he wasn't doing good enough by other people's standards. Wasn't meeting their expectations.
Relationships: Asch the Bloody & Luke fon Fabre
Comments: 2
Kudos: 30





	Pâro

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I don't know why I woke up one day and suddenly had Tales of the Abyss feels regarding Luke and Asch but for some reason I did, so here we are. To paraphrase something I heard another fanfic author say once, "I have ideas and a keyboard and I will make that everyone else's problem". ;D 
> 
> Anyway, this was intended to be a little drabble featuring both Luke AND Asch, but somehow it turned into Luke being all introspective and angsty and Asch is mentioned repeatedly but never actually makes an appearance? Idk, I'm just kind of churning out self-indulgent material over here, trying to stay sane during these difficult times while also plugging away towards my Camp NaNoWriMo word-count goal. In any case, enjoy!
> 
> (Also, if anyone's curious, the story title comes from an entry in the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows).

**P** **â** **ro**

Luke has almost always, one way or another, felt like he wasn't doing good enough by other people's standards. Wasn't meeting their expectations.

His tutors have always expected him to know more than he did, and grew impatient with him when he struggled.

"You've already learned about it," they had complained (never within earshot of the Duke or Lady Susanne, of course, but Luke heard it plenty when no one else was around to supervise).

"But I don't remember any of it," he'd retorted, and yes, it _had_ sounded like the petulant whining of a child sometimes. But the point was valid, albeit ignored in favor of more berating comments and high expectations because they thought he was just being difficult.

Natalia, meanwhile, had expected him to remember a special promise he'd made to her before the abduction. And as much as she tried to hide it, he _knew_ she was hurt and disappointed that he couldn't recall it. Disappointed, too, by what she and everyone else viewed as a regression of maturity on his part.

_It's the trauma_ , the doctors had said, blaming the abduction for not just his so-called amnesia but also the myriad of discrepancies and abnormalities that kept cropping up over the years.

He knows now that amnesia had never really been the problem. The true problem, after all, wasn't that he'd lost those memories. It was that he'd never had them to begin with.

_He'd_ never received those lessons on politics and history, and _he'd_ never made that promise to Natalia.

He's never going to get those memories back, because he hadn't ever really lost them. Because they weren't his memories in the first place.

Because he isn't really Luke fon Fabre. Not the original one, at least.

Somehow knowing the truth hasn't eased his frustrations with the high expectations everyone had put on him growing up. Because he'd _told_ them that he didn't know what they were talking about, and they'd assumed he was just being lazy or stupid or simply not trying hard enough to remember.

As if he could get back memories that didn't exist just by trying hard enough. As if trying to force something lost to return was at all a viable option even if fomicry and replication _wasn't_ involved.

He can't decide if it makes him want to laugh or scream, and decides to stop thinking about it entirely because clearly thinking about it isn't going to help.

It's just going to get him more worked up, and it's pretty well established at this point that letting his emotions overwhelm him and impact his decision-making can have devastating consequences.

(Azkeriuth sits like a weight in his chest, leaden and unmovable, tangled up in guilt and grief and a furious sort of helplessness that tastes like bitter blood in his mouth.

He knows he's done good since then, but he also knows that nothing he ever does will truly make up for the harm he's done. After all, Van may have been the mastermind of that tragedy, but Luke was the naive puppet who'd danced to the tune of a man he'd thought he could trust.

He'd been too blinded by arrogance and selfishness to question Van's intentions, and the price for it had been thousands of innocent lives.)

All in all, it's no surprise Asch thinks he's so pathetic. All things considered, Luke's pretty much of the same opinion; objectively speaking, Asch is better. Stronger, faster, smarter, and with more life experience. Not surprising, Luke figures, since Asch is the original and Luke himself is the second-rate copy with only seven years of sheltered living to his name.

What _does_ surprise him, however, is how ridiculously angry Asch gets whenever Luke agrees with him about it.

He just doesn't get it at all.

Asch gets furious about how Luke "replaced" him, snapping and snarling about how an inferior replica had taken what was his, but whenever Luke concedes that Asch is superior or so much as _hints_ that he's willing to step aside so that Asch can come home to Baticul his original somehow gets even angrier.

He. Just. Doesn't. Get. It.

Asch's fury is twice as frustrating as the expectations of everyone else, because while Luke hates those expectations he can at least _understand_ them. He understands why Natalia was always so disappointed that he couldn't remember that promise, and he understands why his tutors were so fed up over his ignorance.

But Asch? Luke is starting to think he's never going to understand Asch. No matter what Luke does, Asch is always, _always_ angry.

Luke doesn't blame him, because as far as he's concerned Asch is more than entitled to his anger after everything he's gone through. But it still hurts, for some reason. And it doesn't change the fact that Luke wants to understand (no, he _needs_ to understand) why Asch himself insists that Luke is nothing but trash and yet blows a gasket if anyone else so much as implies the same thing.

Luke wishes he could just _ask_ Asch about it, but every time they're within speaking distance to one another it inevitably spirals out of control and ends in a fight.

(Luke would never dare say it where Asch could hear him, but he thinks that in some ways they're _too_ similar. They have their key differences because of course they do, but there are some core qualities that they share even despite the different paths they've taken in life; Luke doesn't know if it's because he's Asch's replica or not, but a flash-fire temper seems to be one of those things. They can both be quick to anger, and even quicker to come to blows if the flames of that anger are stoked high enough.

That shared trait is never more apparent than when they're together. Part of the problem, Luke thinks, is that they each have an instinctive understanding of each other's sore points, know just where the chinks are in their respective armor and which buttons to push to get a reaction.

Normally a violent reaction, if their past interactions are anything to go by.)

Luke occasionally catches himself wistfully wondering what it would be like to not constantly be butting heads with his original. To have a conversation with Asch that doesn't end in one of them wanting to pound the other's face in.

He wonders what it would be like to fight not just on the same side against Van, but to actually _be_ fighting side by side. Together.

Like brothers.

It's yet another impossible expectation, given all the bad blood between them. Not to mention the circumstances of Luke's creation, which Asch might very well never forgive him for. Yet somehow…Luke can't help but be hopeful, despite all of that.

(Luke has always hated impossible expectations, because they've only ever caused him endless frustration and grief in the past. This is one he can't seem to let go of, though, no matter how many times Asch rejects him and calls him worthless.

Ever since he was a child, he's always felt like every move he made was wrong, felt like nothing he ever did was good enough. Since finding out he's nothing more than a replica of the true Luke fon Fabre, that feeling has only intensified.

He's not going to let it stop him, though. So what if his actions don't measure up to other people's expectations of him? He'll keep trying his best, regardless.

The past is the past, after all, and he can't change it. All he can do is move forward and do his best from here on out. And his hope that maybe someday he and Asch can have some sort of connection with one another beyond whatever antagonistic link they have right now…it's like a lot of his other nebulous thoughts about what the future might hold for him; it's something he can draw on to keep himself looking ahead rather than behind.

Yes, he hates impossible expectations, but this is one he doesn't mind so much. Perhaps because it's less of an impossible expectations and more of a faint, far off hope.)

Hope isn't such a terrible thing to have, after all. At this point it's all he's got left.


End file.
